This is a transcript of the first episode of the Umineko anime, “Opening.” It is transcribed from the NISAmerica subtitles. The spelling mistakes, grammar, and stylization used in the official subtitles is kept intact here. This includes the localizations of terminology and honorifics, the way names are written, and the exclusion of Maria’s “uuu” from the script.
KINZO: So...how much time do I have left?
NANJO: Three months, perhaps.
KINZO: Ahh, Beatrice! Why do you continue to refuse me!? The time has come for me to return all that you have given me. I'll give up everything! So please... All I ask is to gaze upon your smiling face one last time! Beatrice!
BATTLER: Holy crap! We’re bouncing all over the place! Gonna fall! Gonna fall! I’m gonna faaaaall!
BATTLER: (Narrating) Welcome to the place we call Rokken Island. This entire island is actually an estate owned by the Ushiromiya family.
TEXT: ROKKEN ISLAND
BATTLER: (Narrating) To be Frank, the Ushiromiya family is worth millions.
TEXT: October 4th, 1986-10:30a.m.
BATTLER: Ahh, we’re finally here! I gotta say, humans belong on dry land.
BATTLER: (Narrating) That’s me- Battler Ushiromiya! My cousin George there is more of the intellectual type. My other cousin Maria is a sweet little kid. And that’s Maria’s mom, my aunt Rosa. Here we have Uncle Hideyoshi and Aunt Eva.
KYRIE: Settle down, Battler.
BATTLER: (Narrating) And these are my parents- my dad, Rudolf, and Kyrie.
JESSICA: Yo! It’s been a while, huh?
BATTLER: (Natrating) Well now! That’s my cousin Jessica. We haven’t seen each other for six years. We’re both eighteen, but not she sure doesn’t look it!
BATTLER: Lemme give your boobs a little squeeze!
JESSICA: They’re not for you to squeeze.
KUMASAWA: My, my… You must all be exhausted from your trip.
BATTLER: (Narrating) Oh! Ms. Kumasawa!
BATTLER: You look even younger than the last time I saw you.
KUMASAWA: Would you like to squeeze *my* boobs?
BATTLER: I-I think I’ll pass…
GEORGE: Huh? Those seagulls I used to see flapping all over aren’t around today.
HIDEYOSHI: Seagulls?
JESSICA: Maybe it’s because of that typhoon headed our way… Its supposed to start raining later this evening.
MARIA: Gone!
BATTLER: Did you lose something?
MARIA: Gone! Gone!
JESSICA: Oh, you mean that little shrine that was up on that rock? I heard it got struck by lightning and collapsed.
BATTLER: I’m surprised you remember it, Maria.
MARIA: Bad omen… Bad omen…
BATTLER: (Narrating) The Ushiromiya family is supposed to meet like this each year, to update everyone on what we’ve been up to. But… To be honest, that’s just a pretty excuse. The adults’ actual intentions lie elsewhere.
HIDEYOSHI: I see they’re spectacular as ever this year.
KYRIE: Their beauty never fails to impress.
MARIA: This one’s all weird! It doesn’t look well. Poor thing…
BATTLER: Did bugs get it or something?
GEORGE: Huh. I think you’re right. Well then… Let’s just do this. There, now it’s tagged. You can take care of it until we head back, Maria.
HIDEYOSHI: Oh, is that Kanon I spy? Long time no see!
KANON: Good day to you.
TEXT: Servant Kanon
BATTLER: Kanon, huh? I don’t think we’ve ever met, have we? Nice to meet ya!
JESSICA: Kanon’s kind of the silent type. He’s not really big on small talk.
GOHDA: Kanon… You might make an effort to be a bit more agreeable.
TEXT: Servant Toshiro Gohda
KANON: We’re nothing but furniture.
RUDOLF: So, how’s Dad been doing?
JESSICA: Really good! You would never guess he’s only got three months left.
TEXT: Guesthouse
SHANNON: Please excuse me. We’ve prepared lunch for you.
JESSICA: Come on in, Shannon! You remember Battler, right?
SHANNON: It’s been quite some time. It’s me, Shannon.
TEXT: Servant Shannon
BATTLER: You’ve blossomed into quite the beauty!
SHANNON: You flatter me…
BATTLER: I have to ask. What’d you do to get boobs like that?
JESSICA: Get lost!
KRAUSS: Father… Everyone’s here. Please, come out.
TEXT: Krauss Ushiromiya
KINZO: Silence! You’re all fools.
TEXT: Kinzo Ushiromiya
KRAUSS: It seems he has no love for his son. I’ll return to the others.
GENJI: As you wish.
TEXT: Servant Genji Ronoue
JESSICA: Apparently, Mr. Gohda used to be a chef at some famous hotel.
BATTLER: I’m looking forward to lunch, then! Has that painting always been there?
SHANNON: Master commissioned it during the spring of the year before last.
MARIA: I know her. Beatrice…
GEORGE: Beatrice- She’s a witch, you know.
BATTLER: A witch?
JESSICA: Grandfather thinks she actually exists.
BATTLER: A witch, huh?
BATTLER: (Narrating) Let me tell you a bit about our grandfather. The Ushiromiya family used to be extremely wealthy, operating a number of textile mills up until the early 1900s. But then in 1923, the Great Kanto earthquake hit, and in an instant their wealth was lost and most of them were killed. That’s when our grandfather was entrusted with resurrecting the name of Ushiromiya. He took what little property was left and established a new business. It brought him amazing good fortune- a real miracle. I’m just twenty years, he restored the family name and made it more prosperous than ever. He’s a pretty amazing guy.
RUDOLF: Now then… I think it’s time we discuss Dad’s estate.
HIDEYOSHI: Without a doubt, Krauss has a keen eye for the economy.
RUDOLF: He does at that. However… It seems his eye failed him this time.
EVA: Building such a fabulous resort hotel, and including such a lovely garden within it… I imagine you must have invested a great deal of capital for such extravagance.
NATSUHI: What exactly are you trying to say?
TEXT: Natsuhi Ushiromiya
RUDOLF: So, Krauss… when is your hotel scheduled to open for business? At this rate, we’ll be the only guests that place ever sees.
EVA: And what of the funds you’ve already invested in the project?
HIDEYOSHI: We’ve done a little digging around. You know, to see who would provide you with such enormous loans.
RUDOLF: However, we found no trace of any mysterious benefactor. I’ll just say it. You’ve been diverting Dad’s personal assets into your own business venture.
EVA: You can’t even just call it diverting. It’s embezzlement. A crime, plain and simple.
NATSUHI: You have no right! Making such wild accusations against Krauss Ushiromiya, heir to this family’s fortune!
EVA: Don’t you see? He has clearly betrayed our father’s trust. Such an act makes him unworthy of his status as family heir.
NATSUHI: How dare you say that! Get out of my sight!
EVA: You need to shut your mouth, country whore! You would order Eva, third in the family hierarchy, to leave? Where on your clothes might I find the One-Winged Eagle. You’re nothing but a womb, good only for continuing the Ushiromiya family name! Know your place, you ill-bred bitch!
KRAUSS: Natsuhi. Please excuse yourself.
NATSUHI: D-dear!
KUMASAWA: M-Madame… How pitiful
BATTLER: (Reading) "In melancholy memory, the sweetfish river…”
BATTLER: What’s up with these weird lines?
JESSICA: It’s an epitaph Grandfather had written on his behalf.
MARIA: I know what it is! It says where all the gold’s hidden!
JESSICA: Ten tons of gold, to be exact. Even for a lie, that’s hard to swallow.
BATTLER: (Narrating) Oh, I should explain the legend of the Ushiromiya family’s gold. How our grandfather built up his initial capital in the first place… There’s a pretty strange story behind that. Someone asked him about it, and this is what he said…
KINZO: One day, I met Beatrice…the Golden Witch. She and I entered into a contract. She would give me wealth and fame, in exchange for my soul. The witch then presented me with ten tons of gold.
BATTLER: (Narrating) So that’s his story.
BATTLER: But still, ten tons. Ten tons!
GEORGE: If you estimate one kilogram at about ten thousand dollars, that’s a hundred million dollars!
BATTLER: Yup. A mountain of gold worth a hundred million bucks seems pretty unbelievable. Besides, where in the world are things like witches even real?
MARIA: Beatrice is real! Witches are real!
JESSICA: Hey stupid, don’t go around crushing little kids’ dreams like that.
BATTLER: Oh, uh…s-sorry. I’m sure Beatrice is real. Grandmother used to tell us she lived out in the forest of Rokken Island.
MARIA: So you really do believe in her?
BATTLER: Yeah, of course! Sorry for being so critical.
JESSICA: Okay, let’s go get some cookies and have a beach picnic!
MARIA: Picnic! Picnic!
JESSICA: You like cookies, Maria?
MARIA: I love cookies!
GEORGE: Shall we go, then?
BATTLER: (Narrating) The Golden Witch, Beatrice… A hundred million dollars in gold…
HIDEYOSHI: Now then, Brother… If you accept our conditions, we’d like to entrust the distribution of assets to you.
KRAUSS: Conditions?
RUDOLF: Condition one: You must admit to us that you’ve found Dad’s gold.
EVA: Condition two: Acknowledge each sibling’s right to claim their share of the gold, and pay them accordingly.
HIDEYOSHI: Condition three: Fifty percent of the gold will go directly to whoever holds the title of family heir. The remaining gold will be divided evenly among each sibling. Naturally that includes you, Krauss.
EVA: So of the one hundred million, you would receive sixty-two and a half million dollars. Rudolf, Rosa and I would receive twelve and a half million each.
RUDOLF: Condition four: This dividend shall be paid out upon Father’s death. However, ten percent of each of our shares must be paid immediately, as a deposit. Such lumber would be required no later than March of next year.
HIDEYOSHI: What do you think? I’m sure you can manage a measly four-million-dollar deposit, right?
KRAUSS: Hideyoshi… I hear some bad-tempered individuals have been buying up large shares of your company’s stock.
HIDEYOSHI: H-how did you know about that!?
KRAUSS: Rudolf. I *also* hear you owe a few million dollars in that court settlement with the Americans. But even that’s a conservative estimate, is it not? And Rosa… You’re just too soft. You really shouldn’t agree to joint and several liability so easily.
ROSA: That has nothing to do with this!
KRAUSS: I would love to contribute something to my loving siblings in their time of need if I could. But unfortunately, I just don’t have the assets available at this time. It’s like you were saying… Wouldn’t it be grand if we could find Father’s hidden gold right now? Ah, that’s right! Why don’t we, as loving siblings, try figuring out Beatrice’s epitaph together?
JESSICA: Wow, Maria. You’re so devoted! I can’t believe you wrote down that entire epitaph!
BATTLER: But you know…the whole thing gets pretty ugly in the middle. By the time you get to the eight twilight, thirteen people have been sacrificed, right?
BATTLER: (Reading) “In the ninth twilight; the witch shall resurrect, and none shall live.”
JESSICA: Then at the end- in the tenth twilight, “open unto the land of gold.” I know it says that, but…
BATTLER: Any story about hidden treasure gets suspicious fast once witches gets involved.
JESSICA: Totally!
MARIA: The witch is awesome! She can use her magic to do anything! She can make gold and bread out of nothing!
JESSICA: Sorry, sorry. We’re just kidding.
MARIA: Battler, Jessica, you’re gonna make Beatrice mad for sure! But she won’t be a problem if you have these charms. Scorpions are super strong magical shields!
BATTLER: Scorpions are really that powerful, huh?
MARIA: They can protect you from black magic and disasters and everything!
BATTLER: I see. Well thank you. Now there’s nothing to worry about.
JESSICA: Yup. Thanks, Maria.
BATTLER: Man…
JESSICA: Are you sure this is where it was?
MARIA: It was here! Right here! Mommy!
ROSA: What are you guys doing? Are you looking for something?
MARIA: My rose! You come help too, Mommy!
ROSA: Rose?
GEORGE: I put a tag on it, so it should be easy enough to spot…
MARIA: It was right here! Find it!
ROSA: Stop making that whiny noise. How many times do I have to tell you to stop making that noise!? I said stop it!
MARIA: My rose! My-
ROSA: Didn’t I tell you to stop!?
BATTLER: A-aunt Rosa…I know she’s your daughter, but I don’t think violence…
ROSA: She’s nine years old already! Shes in the fourth grade, and yet… Do you have any idea how they tease her and bully her at school!? We’re going inside, Maria. I said stop it already!
GEORGE: Battler…This is a problem between mother and daughter.
BATTLER: I guess…
GEORGE: We should let them work it out.
BATTLER: R-right…
MARIA: It was right here!
ROSA: That’s enough, Maria! Fine! Stay here and look for it all you want! Mommy doesn’t care!
KINZO: You’re late, Beatrice! Now, let us begin our miraculous banquet! First, I shall return all that I have built as the head of this family! Take it, if you will!
MARIA: My rose…
KANON: Dinner is prepared.
BATTLER: All right! Time to eat!
KANON: Where’s Miss Maria?
JESSICA: She’s not with Aunt Rosa?
KANON: No. I assumed she was with you.
BATTLER: Oh no…
ROSA: Maria! If you’re out here, say something! Maria! Maria… What have I done?
GEORGE: Aunt Rosa!
ROSA: Where’s Maria? She isn’t with you?
GEORGE: No…
BATTLER: Maria!
JESSICA: She’s not out here?
BATTLER: No.
JESSICA: Maria!
BATTLER: Mariaaa! Maria!
ROSA: Maria! Maria, I’m sorry… I’m so sorry! I’m sorry I’m such a bad mommy… Maria…
MARIA: I can’t find it. My rose… I can’t find it.
GEORGE: I’m glad she’s okay.
BATTLER: Seriously. I was really worried.
JESSICA: She even brought an umbrella. You’re so smart, Maria!
MARIA: Oh, I just borrowed it.
BATTLER: Huh? You borrowed it? From who?
MARIA: Beatrice.
BATTLER: Huh? Beatrice?
JESSICA: Heya! Jessica here! Man! I haven’t seen Battler for six years. I had no idea he’d turned into such a perv! That’s pretty depressing! And he used to be such a cute kid… I’d better make sure to tell Shannon to be extra careful around him. Whoa! How long have you been standing there, Battler? Huh? If my right boob is off-limits, can you squeeze my left boob? Next episode: “First Move.” Get lost!